Harry Potter and the Deathly Ford Anglia 39bhp
by HarryCumSquat
Summary: Harry contemplates existence, Ron crashes a car and Hermione dies.


It was a dark and foggy evening. Harry Potter stood on a hillside above a cliff, looking out over a lake and contemplating his existence. Snow fell around him, and the chill in the air made him shiver. He flicked open a lighter, and lit a cigarette, savoring the taste and warming feeling of the burning tobacco.

From behind, Hermione walked out of the foggy forest. Harry did not seem to notice her approach, as he was too busy looking out over the lake. She stopped next to him, and looked at him intently.

"Give us a fag, mate." She said loudly, making Harry jump ever so slightly and turn towards her.

"Oh shit, Hermione, I didn't see you there." He replied.

"What are you doing?" Hermione asked, looking slightly miffed at not getting a cigarette.

"I'm just admiring the barren wasteland that we call Earth, full of death, famine and expensive replacements for Sennheiser earpads." Harry said, looking deep in thought.

Both of them quickly devolved into coughing fits, brought on by years of smoking and alcohol use.

"Where is Ron? He was supposed to meet us here." Hermione said, after her coughing fit was over.

"He's probably dead, or standing naked in a cave somewhere." Harry replied, waving his cigarette dismissively. Hermione pulled out her phone, and saw she had gotten a text.

_Your Dpd parcel/s will be collected today by DPD between 12:22-13:22. To cancel the collection, TEXT 1._

"He probably smells like old concrete." Harry said with disdain.

Ron was at the moment very busy driving downhill, just a couple hundred meters away. The windshield of his father's old Ford Anglia had been shattered to the winds some time ago, and the ear-splitting bass music he was blasting spilled out into the environment. Although technically there might not be any road-safetly laws, given the fact that he was driving off-road, Ron was still driving far too fast to be legal.

_Don't even know where I am._ He thought to himself.

Ron's reckless driving quickly caught up to him, though, as his car slammed into a tree at 80 miles per hour. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, Ron survived the impact with barely a scratch.

Just a bit away, Hermione recieved another text, this one from Dumbledore.

_can you get me a pack of reds from diagon alley_

_no dumbledore _she answered quickly.

The reply was both instant and succint.

_fuck off_

"I've lost all contact with him." Hermione complained, annoyed at the disappearance of their red-haired friend.

"Tell him to hurry up." Harry said with equal amounts of annoyance.

Ron backed out of the tree and turned towards the right, then hit the accelerator hard. It took a few moments before he realized that he was still in reverse, but by the time he slammed the brakes the damage was already done.

The car rammed straight into Hermione, launching her off the side of the cliff. She screamed as she fell, but died on impact when she hit the ground a good twenty meters below.

Harry turned towards the car, pulled out a flashlight and looked over the car.

"Looks like you fucked this up big time, Ron. I mean, just look. Broken everywhere, looks like a forklift smashed into it. But that's enough about your life. Lord Voldemort is causing global warming with all the black smoke he produces. We must deal with it. Also, you murdered Hermione." Harry had another coughing fit, while Ron pulled out a pistol and fired a shot off into a random direction.

Harry had a mental breakdown from thinking about all the weed he'd smoked.

"Well you look like a cement mixer right now, Harry. Just get in the car." Ron said as he got into the driver's seat. Harry returned to his former position, just looking out over the lake. Seeing his friend still stood in the same position, Ron tried asking him again.

"Harry, get in the car." 

"No."

"Why the fuck are you just standing there?" Ron said, exasperated.

"I don't want to get in."

"Get in."

"I am the angel of death." Harry said with a tone of finality, before getting in the car.

Ron immediately reversed the car straight into another tree, breaking one of the rear lights. They continued driving up the hill at a dangerous pace, and Ron ran over a deer.

"Thanks for giving me a ride to kill Lord Voldemort." Harry said.

"Why are you randomly saying that?" Ron replied.

They parked the car on the crest of the hill, and began walking.

"We're gonna have to make this quick." Harry said, "You're parked on a double yellow line."

Ron stood in Harry's way.

"Get out of my way." Harry said, pushing him out of the way.

"What the hell are you doing, idiot?" Ron asked indignantly.

"Cunt, get some life insurance."

"What country am I even in? Where's Lord Voldemort?" Ron asked.

"There he is." Harry said, pointing towards a shadowy figure in the distance.

"And where is he standing?" Ron questioned.

"He's over there." Harry replied, still pointing towards the shadowy figure.

"What's his location?"

"There."

"Where is he positioned?"

"He's over there."

"What is his latitude and longitude on Earth?"

"There."

"Give me X Y Z-coordinates. Where the fuck is he, Harry?"

"He's right there you fucking blind muggle. Don't worry, I'll handle him." Harry said, pulling out an RPG-7 from the pockets of his pants. A quick shot later, and Voldemort was turned into dust, floating on the wind.

Harry's flat was raided by Metropolitan police in Swansea central, where he was handed a suspended jail sentence at Bristol crown court.


End file.
